All I want for Xmas is K’ronnika

Please buy me all of her CDs! K, THNX!

Let’s wrap it up! I got some sinnin’ to do!

Hope you are all having a happy holiday season. I’m so far behind on everything (quelle surprise!).

Remember when Xmas meant just waiting to open presents? Now I have a huge family that I want to buy gifts for all of them. Plus I have to keep up my outpatient treatment- they are adding a psychiatrist to the roster. I’m behind on interviews. Working on five of those today. Love my hubby, he put up the tree- it’s gorgeous! Pics of it eventually.

Here’s Jim Gaffigan from Beyond the Pale. He’s hilarious.

School’s Out

I think this semester has finally ended. That is, it better have! So far, four A’s but waiting on one professor to tally up my self-worth.

On that note, let me have tonight off and I’ll get to work on the millions of interviews, orders, emails, scripts, photo shoots, auditions, etc. I need to catch up on tomorrow.

I think I want to go see a movie at the Alamo Drafthouse tonight, but everything looks so lame. Fried pickles might make it worth it, though. Really worth it.

My house really needs cleaning. I’d throw on the sexy maid outfit for the hubby, but it’s so goddamn cold lately!

No rest for the wicked. Ever.

A woman's work is never done.

Barnett no more.

My dearest fans,

I have to change my stage name. I called the SAG (Screen Actor’s Guild) office today only to learn that the mysterious other Bianca Barnett (probably the same woman in ‘Bitch Slap’) is officially registered as ‘Bianca Barnett’. This means I have to create a new professional name. SAG is very particular about actors having specific and distintcly different names to avoid confusion; they cannot even sound similar. They suggested an initial, but that seems lame, especially since I was not even born with a middle name.

Honestly, I don’t mind, as “Barnett” was the last name of my ex, and I have moved on both personally and professionally. I love my husband, but while “Kyne” fits him perfectly, it is very masculine and most people have problems spelling it. I think I want a last name that starts with an A or B. (What ever do you mean, top billing??!)

It cannot be too long or difficult to say or spell. I do not want it to sound too fake, but something beautiful, exotic, and memorable would be ideal. Then again, I do not want to sound like a stripper! Or do I?

The best stage name ever, in my opinion, is Sadie Frost, but alas, that is taken.

So, feel free to give suggestions. I am stumped.

How about Bianca Biche??? Yes, it is French for ‘deer’, but it can be mistaken for ‘Bitchy’ in a French accent. How wonderful would that be?

QotD

“Lana Del Rey- your voice says ‘yes’, but your duck lips and contrived hipsterdumb after you failed to be the next Britney screams ‘no’.” – BB

Do you have a question for me?

If you would like to ask me a question for my filmed interview this month, now is your chance! Just post your question as a comment here, or send it through the contact page, and I’ll choose my favorite ten to respond to. If you prefer to ask anonymously, I have no problem with that. Otherwise, leave your name and I’ll mention it in the interview!

Feel free to get creative and have fun! But, be warned, if you ask me something stupid, don’t be shocked if you get a smarmy response!

One more test to go…

And then I am finished with this semester. Meeting with new advisor tomorrow for prospective university. Hope it goes well!

New changes will be coming to my website. I will divide news, interviews, updates from my general blog which is mostly musings, music videos, and art. Also, new graphics, gallery, updated shop, photos, videos, etc. …

Thanks for the support!

All my best,

Bianca

Tori Amos Explains: Spark (Audio Commentary)

Tori Amos Explains: Caught A Lite Sneeze (Audio Commentary)

Mitch Hedberg

Movievine Interview

Movievine.com recently did an interview with me. I hope you enjoy! I try to make each interview a little different because I hate when people talk about the exact same thing all the time. So boring!

So, please enjoy- http://www.movievine.com/news/interview-with-bianca-barnett/

Many thanks to Kale and Movie Vine!

School

One more class to finish up this week. My professor added a few essays just before the final. I think he is a sadist that wants us to lose our minds for Christmas. Ugh, I am so ready for this semester and year to end! Enough already! I look forward to having two entire free weeks to catch up on interviews (I have about five!), do some auditions, meet up with SAG’s local division, and speak with an advisor to see if I want to transfer to a university here. I think I might start a radio show with my husband, but it will be taped, so you can see us chatting it up. If someone else steals this idea, well, we will just do it better!

Time off means more photo shoots, website revamp, and house cleaning! I am so goddamn tired, I don’t even care about the holidays.

Hello, Deer.

God is dead. And no one cares.

“I prepare for the noble war. I’m calm, I know the secret.
I know what’s coming and I know no one can stop me, including myself.”

Well, my post yesterday was originally going to have a very different image for my morbid joke (see above), but at the last minute, I decided it was too insensitive and went with other images.

It was either an unfortunate coincidence, or I had a bit of a premonition (wouldn’t be the first time) because of the news at VT yesterday. I do have a strange since of since of humor, but I am not heartless. In fact, it is quite the opposite. I am very sensitive to the injustices of the world, to the point where it consumes me. My way of coping involves a seemingly sick sense of humor-but I see it as a way of facing the darker aspects of humanity. Laugh or cry. I am solid, I am stoic, I am sarcastic, I am surviving.

As for American Horror Story, if you have not watched it, you are missing out. I am not one who generally gets involved in television, but this one is different. Constance and Tate are my favorite characters on the show, which is not surprising as they are cut from the same cloth. What a delight for the actors to portray- to have the ability to tap into the darkest aspects of human nature and strike a chord with an audience. To safely explore those dark obsessions and thoughts we all entertain at moments, but must suppress. I would be so fortunate to get to play such a role. The characters both have such depth and at times humanity, to feel sympathy or relate to what is most likely a psychotic person is fascinating. So many times we assume the psychopath is robotic and incapable of any amount of human suffering or understanding. But what if, in fact, the opposite is truth. What if the psychotic is more in touch with their emotions than we care to believe? Man has always found a reason to justify deplorable acts, usually in the guise of god. So, my friends, if there is a hell, I’ll see you there.

QotD

Mon dieu!

Ha! Innocent, non? This was me at about fourteen, I think! Check out my mad posing skills! Am I so bored I had to prop up my own head? Or did I accidentally spill the Super Glue?

Pssst… this was how I cut it out for my scrapbook. Nice job with scissors, BB!

Ta gueule!

I’m not much of a quitter, but I seriously considered not pursuing acting over the past few months. Many people asked me not to quit while others gave advice that I did not ask for. Nothing penetrated my thick skull until my nephew wrote me a heartfelt message. I knew I had to listen because it is rare that I hear from him and he was adamant about me not abandoning my dream.

So, I will continue because I really cannot see myself doing anything else with my life, but there have to be changes made. It is inevitable that as my career expands, my personal freedom depletes. I am no fool, I know that this career choice might ultimately leave me more isolated than ever, but it is my calling. And to think, I am ultimately seeking this because I have always felt alone.

Ah, the irony of it all.

I’ll post here at my website more often, but I won’t be responding to unsolicited personal emails and have stopped taking new friend requests on Facebook. All business deals will go through my newly hired management and then if the email is deemed appropriate and up to my standards, passed along to me. This is necessary to weed through unprofessional offers and nut jobs as there are many men who try to meet/talk to me in guise of a project. I also have to take new measures to assure my personal safety and the safety of my loved ones. My husband and I are moving and setting up a P.O. box, etc., etc..

For those who have stood by my side through good times and weird, thank you from the bottom of my black heart. I have a feeling you’ll be seeing a lot more of me on screen since My Sucky Teen Romance will be hitting theaters in spring 2012 and Dead Inside and The Toy Box should both get at least a DVD release. Albino Farm is still playing on Showtime through March. I also have tons of projects lining up for next year already and I am hoping 2012 will be a great year!

I still enjoy random blogging (Shallow Thoughts with Bianca) just because I find it amusing, so you can splash through the oddness here if you fancy. But, please, remember I am merely a flawed human. I have feelings, I am a real person, I am imperfect, sometimes I say inane and stupid things. A lot of famous people say they have no regrets, but that is a lie. We all have regrets and I am sure there are times that even the most sane person wonders “what if?” But, reality is reality, not what is on the telly.

My privacy is what I value utmost and I see myself as an actress, not a celebrity. If all I wanted was fame for the sake of fame, I could have had that long ago, but by now I am sure you know that I am deeper than that.

I do desire to reach the right audience; if only it were that simple to sort through humanity.

Santa in a Skeleton Costume

Yes, that is what it was called twice on the news. Twice.

Watch Albino Farm via Showtime

You can watch Albino Farm On Demand from 12/14/11 to 03/06/12!

Click here for all the details- http://www.sho.com/site/movies/movie.do?seriesid=0&seasonid=0&episodeid=137879

Next Airings (All Times ET/PT)

Wed- 12/07 4:05 AM on SHOWTIME 2
Fri- 12/16 3:00 AM on SHOWTIME SHOWCASE
Sat- 12/17 2:00 AM on SHOWTIME BEYOND
Wed- 12/21 11:30PM on SHOWTIME SHOWCASE
Fri- 12/23 1:00 AM on SHOWTIME BEYOND
Mon- 12/26 4:15 AM on SHOWTIME BEYOND
Thu- 12/29 2:00 AM on SHOWTIME SHOWCASE

Please note that Showtime has a daily schedule that generally runs until about 5:30 AM. This means that if Albino Farm is listed on one date, it might technically be after midnight, therefore the next day. For example, the next showing is listed as Wednesday 12/07 at 4:05 AM ET/PT, but technically it will play 4:05 AM on Thursday morning. I hope that helps!

1521

“People are just as wonderful as sunsets if you let them be. When I look at a sunset, I don’t find myself saying, “Soften the orange a bit on the right hand corner.” I don’t try to control a sunset. I watch with awe as it unfolds.”
― Carl Rogers

A quote within a quote; funny, I stumbled upon this statement of his accidentally, though I have been studying his work in my current psychology course.

I can speak and write.

Hard work does pay off sometimes as I was invited to join the Sigma Kappa Delta society. Apparently, less than 1% of college students qualify to join, so I am honored and now can officially quit whining about life so much. I can also whip out my membership card anytime I need a grandiose complex! Mu ha!

It was much unexpected, as I am already a member of the Phi Theta Kappa honor society and did not consider that I would be invited to join anything else. You can just start calling me “Brain Kray-koh”. Yes, that is an obscure MSCL reference. Deal with it.

Now that I am officially a master of American English, I have started taking mental notes for an autobiography. I am still fairly young, but it would be an interesting, overly wordy, slightly self-depracating, majorly sarcastic, brutally honest read. You will probably want to kill yourself after reading it as I can be a real Debbie Downer sometimes. Don’t worry, my previous post gives tips on how to be buried afterward.

If I ever have time to write it. What else would you expect from me?

This semester has about two weeks left. I am so ready for it to be over! Since life loves throwing curve balls into my face, I have come down a cold or something, just in time for finals! Next semester I’m cutting back to half-time. (I always say that, but this time I mean it! I need a break!) I am always pushing myself very hard, probably too hard. I have always been an overachiever and perfectionist.

Natural Burials

After researching the history of American funerary customs on several occasions for school, I have become staunchly opposed to modern funeral practices, particularly embalming, which I find both grotesque and environmentally irresponsible. Not to mention that many funeral homes prey on grieving families and purposely do not inform them about alternatives. Death is such a taboo subject in our society, for many reasons, but I believe the public should be informed that there are options to the standard embalming slash cremation route. You should note that the average funeral costs about $7,000 or more while a green burial will cost you $2000 or less. Also, you do NOT have to be embalmed after you die unless your body is traveling across state lines or you want a viewing. Modern embalming did not become popular until the American Civil War after advances in the technique were made by Dr. Thomas Holmes. Many families opted for their fallen sons to be returned home to them and embalming allowed this to occur. After President Lincoln was embalmed, his body traveled by train to Illinois, making many stops along the way for the curious public to ogle his body. These factors made the funerary business boom rapidly and it has been a money driven monster since.

Some interesting reads on the subject- The American Way of Death by Jessica Mitford and Grave Matters: A Journey through the Modern Funeral Industry to a Natural Way of Burial by Mark Harris.)

I am an avid nature lover and have quietly practiced green living principles for many years. I hope to lend my hand to historic preservation and conservationism (animal rights, forests, etc.) as my career progresses and I have a wider audience. I plan on having a natural burial- no cremation, no casket, no chemicals. You can get a totem pole as a marker if you want! Hell yeah! Deer and great whites, all the way!

I was delighted to find that Sleepy Hollow Cemetery in New York actually has a green option. Of course, originally, I had planned on donating my body to science, but my mother was horrified and shot the idea down via machine gun immediately. She was equally horrified when I tried to get a bridge piercing when I was sixteen- SO glad I listened to her advice on that one, too! Mother knows best.

Let’s end with the bittersweet If I Die Young by The Band Perry.

Karen Elson

I’ve loved Karen Elson since her early modeling days (mid/late 90s freak chic!). I was excited when I found out she put an album out last year. I love the whole gothic / country / vintage chic.

Ray LaMontagne & The Pariah Dogs

Nouveau folk band, Ray LaMontagne & The Pariah Dogs, are one of my favorite bands these days. I love the ’70s folk throwback with a modern twist. Even the album title, God Willin’ & The Creek Don’t Rise, is fantastic. Ray is painfully shy, but his vocals are unsurpassed in my opinion. He’s never been formally trained, just naturally gifted. He strikes me as very troubled, though, I don’t know why. Just the vibe of a tortured soul, I suppose. Hopefully he sticks around a while- I tend to be drawn to musicians that are too quick to give up the ghost.

Listen to these, especially Home for the Summer. Ray has the most achingly beautiful singing voice I’ve heard.

John Denver

This may surprise some, but I have been a lifelong John Denver fan. (I love folk music, old and new. I miss singer/songwriters. Pop music is the bane of my existence.) The first song I remember hearing and loving was Country Roads (I married a West Virginia boy!), but here’s a secret, if you want me to bawl like a baby, just play Annie’s Song, it’s basically kryptonite. Go ahead and laugh. Even my mother made fun of me for liking John Denver, but I’m sticking to my guns. It was interesting to learn that he lived in Fort Worth, Texas briefly and even went to high school in Arlington. (DFW! Hometown.)

My youngest nephew was so cute. He told my sister and me that if he had a time machine, he’d want to go to a John Denver concert. We both stared at him blankly and dryly said, “No. You wouldn’t.” Then we all burst out laughing. I wish I remembered the conversation in entirety, but it was funny.

Anyway, as a tribute to John and his legacy, here’s Annie’s Song. RIP Henry John Deutschendorf, Jr., your music was loved by many (except my family).

Quote of the Day

“I’m gettin pumped up! Should we go visit the dark side?!!” – Zak Bagans

Vanitas

interiores

Fernando Vicente

but I can’t seem to find my way out

I Can’t See New York – Tori Amos, Scarlet’s Walk

From here
no lines are drawn
From here
no lands are owned
13,000 and holding
swallowed
in the purring
of her engines
tracking the beacon here
“is there a signal
there on the other side?”
on the other side?

what do you mean side of
what things?

and you said
and you did
and you said
you would find me here
and you said
you would
find me even in Death
and you said
and you said
You’d find me

Elusive

My Sucky Teen Romance Featured on E! News

Awesome! Just heard that E! News featured Emily Hagins and her film, My Sucky Teen Romance, earlier today! (Yes, you see the side of me briefly… ha ha!)

Congrats to Emily and the team! Very excited to be a part of it all, though it is a very small part. I know that everyone involved worked so hard on the film and should be really proud! See it spring 2012 in theaters!

Head Full Of Doubt/Road Full Of Promise

My mother and I love Head Full Of Doubt/Road Full Of Promise by the Avett Brothers. Very beautiful.

There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what’s wrong and what’s right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I’m frightened by those who don’t see it

When nothing is owed, deserved or expected
And your life doesn’t change by the man that’s elected
If you’re loved by someone you’re never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it.

There was a dream
One day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid, with a head full of doubt
So I scream til I die or the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There’s a darkness upon you that’s flooded in light
In the fine print they tell you what’s wrong and what’s right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I’m frightened by those who don’t see it

Happy Holidays

Some people are misinterpreting my prior post. I haven’t actively used drugs or alcohol for quite a while, though I have slipped and drank a few times after quitting officially in 2008. (Much less than the average active drinker drinks. I am not making any excuses, just pointing out the facts.) It’s a perfectly normal part of recovery to have slips yet it has been a long time since it has happened. Please don’t label me something that makes up only a fraction of my true self. Don’t make judgments or attach a stigma to me because of your own prior experiences with other people, or things you have learned about this disease from textbooks or television. Unless you have experienced it firsthand, you have no right.

My main issue at the moment is that I have been depressed because I moved to a new state earlier this year. I hate being away from half of my family as they bring such joy to my life.
My family had two very tragic losses in October, only weeks apart. It is hard saying goodbye to people and I am not sure it ever gets easier- we just learn to accept that it is part of existence. Sometimes it awakens our own fears of dying and other times our own passion for living. Either way, we are forever changed.

I started seeing a therapist for my depression this week and will continue to visit them on an outpatient basis. This keeps me free for school (only two more weeks left for fall… phew!), for films and promotion, and of course, for spending time with the people that I cherish the most.

Remember your fellow man (and woman) as everyone is going through something in their life. Be kind to yourself and others, not only during this month, but throughout your days. We are all here to share the human experience, and who knows what happens once we are gone.

Again, thank you all for your kind words. I thought by sharing my own personal experiences that I might be able to relate to others out there and possibly alleviate some loneliness.

The holidays can be a joyous yet frantic time! Please remember to be safe this holiday season and to cherish every moment you have with those you love. Thank you again for all your support. This has been a hell of a year!

Best wishes,
Bianca

Hi, my name is Bianca, and I’m a Toriphile.

She is one artist I have consistently followed since the early 1990s. I would have to say my favorite album is Scarlet’s Walk, but she has so many good songs. Who knew a girl and a piano could sound so damn cool. Actually, she can play two pianos at once. That’s pretty incredible. I’m almost positive I’ve never seen a more passionate live performer. She’s touring and will be near here next Monday.

Someone on Youtube said this about Tori, “She somehow understands the tortured feminine soul of an abused woman. The only other artist I have found who could do that is Fiona Apple. She was also raped. It’s like something shifts severely in a woman after experiences like that. You are never the same and everything is filtered through a much more profound, complex, dark lens. Tori gets this.”

I agree.

Precious Things – Tori Amos

So I ran faster
But you caught me here
Yes my loyalties turned
Like my ankle
In the seventh grade
Running after Billy
Running after the rain

These precious things
Let them bleed
Let them wash away
These precious things
let them break
Their hold on me

He said you’re really an ugly girl
But I like the way you play
And I died
But I thanked him
Can you believe that
Sick, sick, holding on to his picture
Dressing up every day
I wanna smash the faces
of those beautiful boys
Those Christian boys
So you can made me cum
That doesn’t make you Jesus

I remember
Yes in my peach party dress
No one dared
No one cared
To tell me
where the pretty girls are
Those demigods
With their nine-inch nails
And little fascist panties
Tucked inside the heart
Of every nice girl

These precious things
Let them bleed
Let them wash away
These precious things
Let them break
Let them wash away

Power Animals

Do you have a “power animal”? Mine is a beautiful, elegant doe- crossed with a great white shark. I love how their eyes go white when covered by membrane and their teeth come forward to devour you whole. That’s the stuff that dreams are made of!

Doe Eyed & Dangerous

It’s like a glamorous, Hollywood mugshot! Hard to believe, but I’ve actually never been arrested! Go me!

Fanmade Art!

Danny Mayhem sent in this really cool toon he made inspired by my photos. Thank you so much! It’s always an honor to have people use my image as a muse for their artwork. I used to draw and paint all of the time, so I realize the time and effort put into creating art!

If you have any art inspired by me that you’d like to share, this includes tattoos, please let me know! I’m going to set up a fanmade art gallery soon. I just need to finish this semester of school (two weeks left!) and also get audition tapes ready for two (or three?) movies, finish four interviews, read through a few scripts, send out orders (prices going up a bit in 2012, so buy now while cheaper), and do a few modeling shoots for Dennis Willman’s upcoming projects… Hopefully all this week. Not busy at all. Phew.

Bloody Disgusting talks ‘My Sucky Teen Romance’

Emily Hagins’ My Sucky Teen Romance is slated for spring 2012 theatrical, DVD, and Video on Demand release. I only have a small cameo, but I’m very proud of Emily and the crew for making it this far! Bloody Disgusting dishes with Emily:

Her new film, My Sucky Teen Romance, represents a significant leap forward in terms of her technical abilities, her knack for cool characters and the development of her voice as a filmmaker. Unlike many horror films submitted for review by more “seasoned” filmmakers it has a clear thematic agenda, emotional hook and consistent characters. A spring 2012 theatrical release is planned for the film, to be followed by DVD and VOD availability.

Read the full article here-
http://www.bloody-disgusting.com/news/27362

Albino Farm on The Movie Channel Xtra!

Albino Farm will be on THE MOVIE CHANNEL XTRA at 1:15 AM ET/PT 11/29 (technically the 30th). Check out the schedule below. Thanks everyone!

http://www.sho.com/site/schedules/channel.do?feed=East&channel=TM2

Secrets keep people sick

I am getting a lot of emails so let me clarify my personal situation- I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder at the age of 17, but I believe it started much earlier than that. Initially, I just did drugs recreationally (about the same time) but unfortunately it became more. I also was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa and I started using meth and cocaine to stay thin in order to model. I quit all of that at 19, didn’t even drink really. Then I met a monster who was already an alcoholic who I married and by the time I was 21, I was drinking which went from recreational/social to chronic dependence by the time I was in my early/mid 20s. My first marriage was marked by serious abuse and the trauma it left on me caused me to drink more and more. I was having serious anxiety and panic attacks that left me emotionally crippled. I eventually left him, but still relied on alcohol to cope. By that time I was fully addicted. I started treatment in 2008 and have been sober 90% of the time, but there are times when I relapse and drink for a day or two. The problem is, once I start, I really can’t stop and I end up drinking until I black out. Very serious and very dangerous. Due to major life stressors since 2010, I’ve been teetering and suffering a dark spell of depression. I don’t want to keep relapsing or even accidentally kill myself, so I am seeking out help. My husband, family, dogs, fans, career, school- are all so meaningful to me, and have so much more to give to this world. I don’t want to throw it away, so I am seeking help. Hopefully this Monday they will lead me in the right direction.

I have so much to be thankful for…

My husband is an amazing man, not only is he bright and charismatic with an infectious laugh and smile, but he has a heart of gold and lends his hand to those who are overlooked, misunderstood, or have broken hearts. This includes me. I have never met a man so intent on making sure I am happy and healthy- his life revolves around me, in the most positive way. He wants nothing in return, just genuine love and friendship. He is a man I want to grow old with, sitting on the porch swing, watching the sunset and remeniscing about times in our life.

He tells me I am perfect, despite my countless flaws, but to him these flaws are what make me real.It reminds me of this clip from My-So Called Life, a show we both watched and loved growing up. He told me this clip was one of the first times that as a teenage boy he learned to understand what romantic love meant. How sweet -

There is so much I am thankful for in life. My amazing family (both old and new) tops the list and they are definitely my best friends. I’m fortunate to have such a great clan of people that love and support me. They are all artistic and musically inclined, cool, very sweet, and hilarious. They know the real me, they see the light I emanate. I have become more protective of them over the past few years because as my fame grew, I worry that they will be exposed to dark people. Their safety is my number one priority. They truly bring joy into my life. OF course, I can’t forget our two silly little doggies, Dixie and Molly, who have given me unconditional love for so many years. They kiss away my tears and try their best to protect me from sadness.

I am thankful to all of the fans, the real fans, the people who understand I am human and I have triumphs and struggles just like everyone else. And mostly, thank you to those of you that have extended a hand of kindness to me at the most difficult times in my life. The people that understand I am more than a pretty girl or a shallow person obsessed with fame. I have a lot of inner turmoil (don’t we all?), but I want to channel it in a positive way through my art, which is acting. Once school is finished this semester, I’ll have a few weeks off to relax and may create some art work. Who knows with me, though, I have trouble “sitting still” or not working.

I am extremely thankful for my career and how far I have come in such a brief period of time. So many people told me I would never succeed, but I tried to ignore their pessimism and carry on. You never know if you don’t try, right? I think this career path requires tough skin and a lot of perseverance. There are many days when I am so burnt out that I want to give up, but after a few days I’m healed and ready to get back to work.

One thing I want people to know is that I know how special it is that I have had the opportunity to work as an actor. So many people would love to have the opportunities I have had. I never realized Albino Farm would go as far as it did (playing regularly on television now via Showtime) and now My Sucky Teen Romance will be released via DVD and in theaters 2012. I don’t know how wide the theatrical release will be- it might just be art house, but still, that’s amazing and even though I have a tiny role in the film, I am so very thankful to JJ Weber and Emily Hagins for the opportunity. And then I was nominated for and won the Golden Cob Award for Best Rising B Actress, which had thousands of fans voting from all over the world. It was so touching and really made me appreciate that there are people who like me and want to see me succeed. Many thanks to Bill Dever for letting all of that happen!

I know that there is negative criticism about Albino Farm and probably more will come with my future endeavors. I don’t think that people realize just how much of an endeavor putting together a film really is! Time restraints, limited budgets, and the unexpected can all affect the outcome of a film. Sometimes people just don’t get along on set, for whatever reason, and the film suffers.

Generally, there are hundreds of people that work hard on a movie and do not get the recognition they deserve. There are times that the crew is the first to arrive and the last to leave. Many times people volunteer their time and even money to help a film maker realize their dream. I would like to take the time to genuinely thank those people from the bottom of my heart.
I hope your holiday or week was a good one. Thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope you stop by more often.

WTF, Man

You’re getting what you asked for. You wanted me to blog and have an insight into my life. The words I type are just words- feelings, some fleeting, that I experience at a given moment. I have many moods, I experience life just like anyone else. I experience highs and lows. I’m at a low point emotionally because the past year and a half have been plagued by major life changes, good and bad, not to mention the suicide of someone I cared for deeply.

I was diagnosed with MDD around age 17, though I actually have bipolar disorder. I didn’t get proper treatment and developed an addiction first to drugs then alcohol as a means to cope with my affliction and the stress that comes with it. I’m not actively using now, I am just depressed and blogging as a means of getting some of this shit out of my head in a healthy way.

I’m sorry (not!) if my past or present struggles disturb you, or if you think I’m a Debbie Downer that obsesses over feline AIDS and has no friends (not even true! I have at least 15 really close friends, the voices told me so!), but if you want some superficial, vapid, commercial Hollywood bullshit, follow a Kardoucheian. There are about 45 (lots of them underage, but it doesn’t stop momma K-douche from whoring them out) of them to choose from and they are all as plastic as their immobile faces. Their biggest concerns are making sure everyone knows how honest, sincere, successful and business savvy they are (because it’s so difficult to use dead daddy’s murder money to start a business. Genius!).

Every click to one of their sites further stuffs their bloated egos and fat ass bank accounts that were founded on blood money (I mean, OJ was totally innocent, right?). They work so hard at doing nothing but sucking up oxygen normal people could use and they totally deserve acclaim because of their enormous talents like getting peed on in a boring, self-released sex tape. They reek of desperation and represent everything I detest in modern society. So, my blog is the anti-celebutard, deal with it and fuck off if you don’t like it.

And just to annoy you, I am posting another Alice in Chains song. Jerry actually wrote the majority (if not all) of Got Me Wrong and it’s one of my favorites even though it is not as heavy sounding. Actually, it’s quite a beautiful infusion of melancholy and skeptical optimism. Two of my top favorite AiC songs are Got Me Wrong and I Stay Away. That being said, if you don’t like this song, you suck balls, and if do you like it, you have at least one redeemable quality in my eyes.

Yeh, it goes away
All of this and more of nothing in my life
No color clay
Individuality not safe

As of now I bet you got me wrong
So unsure you run from something strong

I can’t let go
Threadbare tapestry unwinding slow
Feel a tortured brain
Show your belly like you want me to

As of now I bet you got me wrong
So unsure you run from something strong

I haven’t felt like this in so long
Wrong, in a sense too far gone from love
That don’t last forever
Something’s gotta turn out right

You sugar taste
Sweetness doesn’t often touch my face
Stay if you please
You may not be here when I leave

As of now I bet you got me wrong
So unsure we reach for something strong

I haven’t felt like this in so long
Wrong, in a sense too far gone from love
Strong, I haven’t felt like this in so long
Wrong, in a sense too far gone from love
That don’t last forever
Something’s gotta turn out right

You said you were my friend

Time doesn’t heal all wounds, but eventually you adapt and cope. Sometimes the wheel turns and fate gives you the opportunity to regain a part of yourself wrongfully stolen by someone. I worried that time would never happen, but now everyone has a Facebook page.

I finally had the balls to tell someone from my past what trauma their actions really did to me. I initially contacted them via FB with the intention of closure, possible rekindling of friendship, or, I dunno, an acknowledgment and apology for causing so much pain in my life after lying to and abandoning me.

There was much correspondence on their part initially, but it was all phony garbage, including creeping me out by thanking me for introducing them to god (I briefly went to church as a kid with my dad; I was even baptized, so try wrapping your head around THAT). Said person never even had the courtesy to apologize, nor admit what an evil act they inflicted. They did the worst thing I think humans can do- pretend nothing happened and everything is fine.

AVOID. DENY. ABUSE. USE your faith as an excuse for every mistake you made. Get off your fucking cross. You’re doomed to rot just like me.

The fact that this person thanked me most for introducing them to god (total JC freak now) was really fucking insulting, especially since I am a proud pragmatic agnostic. (Do you believe everything you are spoonfed? Hey, I have this bridge you may be interested in.) Face it, people, you don’t really KNOW what happens after death until you fucking die. I mean really die- all the way dead cold- and I have been close on a few occasions, though I have nothing to report about the other side.

I almost died when I was two from an extremely high fever, but my dad called 911 and saved me by putting me in an ice bath until the ambulance came. A few years ago, I was almost murdered by my ex-husband a few times- he strangled me once, tried to suffocate me with a pillow other times- I wish I was joking. The despair of being trapped with him led me to O.D. after I couldn’t take being in that severely dangerous and abusive relationship anymore with a sociopath set on killing me. No one wanted to help me at that time, I guess they didn’t realize the severity or thought I was making things up. Maybe they were in denial or just didn’t know what to do. I don’t know.

The OD was the weirdest experience of my life (heh) because I was discovered basically dying/dead, then they revived me- apparently it went on a while- I could hear people but didn’t understand/register what was happening- I couldn’t really see, my head/vision felt “low” and I saw colors and vague shapes of people and things but not clearly, almost like viewing a kaliedoscope but very distant and fuzzy- though it was not double vision much worse- it seemed far away, though people were there “working” on me, almost like being underwater, but less serene because I could not move and didn’t know what happened- just a disconnected consciousness that was extremely confusing- increased intracranial pressure maybe- not sure how else to explain it. If you want to die, just do lots of blow and drink a box of wine. It’s messy, though nothing housekeeping cannot take care of. That being said, I do not endorse suicide, but I fully endorse sick jokes.

Back to my initial story. I thought, “Fuck it. Why not actually speak my mind and let them really know what suffering was caused by them abandoning and lying to me?”

I kept it short and brutal. A royal “fuck you” for the pain inflicted. It felt great. Cathartic. They no longer have any power over me or my life. It’s mine again.

I am genuinely kind, but when needed, I go straight for the jugular. At times, I have a side to me so dark that it disturbs a lot of people, even me. I think it is because my mood can change so rapidly and so powerfully, seemingly out of nowhere, but hell, it makes me a great actress. My mind is quick and my reactions stem from genuine agony. I look forward to getting a role that I can actually explore. On screen, that is.

Per usual, Layne resonates my emotions much better (and cooler) with his tortured gritty growl, enigmatic yet unassailable charisma, and slick leather ensemble. I’ll let him take it from here with Again, which he not only lends extremely unique badass vocals, but co-directed the video. I believe the lyrics are his and might as well be the official addiction theme song with it’s complex exploration of the constant inner conflict between self/disease and ultimate lack of control over your own fucking body which fucking blows, just imagine getting better only to get worse, then better, and then even worse again and again for the rest of your life. You become your biggest betrayer. The cycle itself is exhausting, depressing, and humiliating, especially when your family and friends truly don’t understand and knowingly or not let you know how much you let them down. To quote my mom, “Why do you keep poisoning yourself” after she “rescued” me once or twice.

American Horror Story

American Horror Story's "Tate". I bet this look was inspired by Rick Genest's real tattoos.

I have not been interested in a tv series for years. I missed the beginings of The Walking Dead, True Blood, etc., so I was excited when I caught an interesting series from the beginning. I am still wondering how long it will stay this good as eventually most shows lose steam or just get ridiculous. The best part of watching is speculating with my husband and family on what the hell is happening. I wish it was on a truly uncensored channel so they could go further with the sex and violence, but it’s still pretty satisfying, even for a freak like me. They even had a character on the show named “Bianca” and (spoiler alert) she was some death hag and was completely nuts. Also, most Bianca’s are not white girls, so it’s kind of weird when I see one that is! Unless I look in the mirror! That was bad, I know. Once I literally was startled by my reflection (at an IHOP) because I had become so goddamn pale. I mean, white as a fucking ghost, it scared the shit out of me! I wasn’t even sparkling, though was good to know that specular reflection of visible light off of my matter was possible.

And yes, Bianca is my real name, though Barnett is a stage name.

Happy Thanks Taking

Time to celebrate the worst holiday of the year. I’m with Bobby on this one.

punctured

support
trust

detain
control
concern

respect (lack of)

ego death
contract

educate / sedate

Doe Eyed and Dangerous

I have been receiving a lot of questions about the recent photos taken where my eyes appear different. They are not enhanced digitally, I am actually wearing colored contacts. Originally, I purchased them for a character I was to portray in a film, but I ran screaming from that project (it was horror, all right!) and I hated seeing them (heh) go to waste as they were custom ordered to my prescription (I have myopia and astigmatism in both eyes). Besides, I changed my hair color from black to dark chocolate, so why not try to look totally different to confuse my family, friends, and fans? It’s great showing up looking like a completely different person to events and even at Walt-Mart at 3 AM! I finally have a physical manifestation of what is going on with my personalities! Mu ha ha!

That being said, I’m on the fence about the contacts. First of all, I hate poking myself in the eye and they are literally irritating, especially when combined with makeup. Honestly, they look weird to me- I’m used to my big, brown doe eyes. In fact, I think light eyes make me look older and/or psychotic. Believe it or not, growing up I was complimented on my eyes more than any other feature. Then Jolie came along, and bee-stung lips on white girls became en vogue, so now my lips are what people compliment the most. Actually, it’s my breasts, so I could probably gouge out my eyes and no one would notice.

I know most people have some innate hatred for brown eyes for some stupid fucking reason, but I love them as they seem equally warm and mysterious. One of my favorite combinations is blonde hair and brown eyes- think Gwen Stefani (I hate her music) or my husband (he plays three instruments, not including me). But don’t think of them together, goddammit!

I really never gave a shit about how much melanin someone’s eyes contained and it was never a factor that influenced whether I found them attractive or not. I’m more of a hair/style/smile/personality type of girl. For me, the color of someone’s eyes does not really make them more or less attractive- I think it’s a collection of features and personality that interests me in people. Generally speaking, I don’t remember the color of anyone’s eyes unless I am related to or married to them and forced to focus on them. That’s not necessarily a bad thing as everyone in my family has beautiful colored eyes, each very different which makes them special to me. My husband has this magnetic and intense Scorpion stare that can melt my heart in an instant. I’m shattered if I see any hint of sadness in those orbs of his. I’ve never wanted to get lost in a pair of eyes before I met him. I like staring into our doggies’ eyes, too. They look at me lovingly, dammit, I promise it is not just for munchings and crunchings.

There are times when my eyes look lighter than usual. During photo shoots, photographers generally want me to stare directly into a hot light or the blazing sun (without squinting and simultaneously looking sultry, mind you!) which of course makes them look chestnut brown, hazel, or golden/green. What colors I am wearing, my makeup/hair color, how pale/tan I am at the moment, how dilated my pupils are all contribute to changes. Hope that clears things up.

That being said, my husband thinks everyone thinks we are pot heads, probably because of our strange conversations and our habitual ability to get lost in the grocery store for 2 hours. For the record, I don’t smoke it, though I have a few times in the far away past. I hate smoking in general as it burns my eyes and throat. I grew up in a house filled with smokers and was always sick with an upper respiratory infection because of it. I think that’s one of the main reasons I never picked up the habit. During my old drug days, I did smoke pot with friends sometimes, but again, it was weird and irritated my throat. Plus, once I took this giant water bong hit and my eyes crossed and stayed that way for at least an hour. I swear to god, man!!! Hilarity ensued at my expense!

Personally, I go between mellow downer personality and tweaked out mania! Thanks, bipolar disorder! You keep rocking my world!

Here are some pictures of my natural eyeballs, all without contacts or Photoshop, in varying light. Like most folks, the color can look quite different depending on circumstances.

Photography by Chrisp in 2006. No Photoshop here, just golden sunlight.

Staring into the sun- no contacts or Photoshop. 2010

Indoors. Dark eyed and mysterious.

Estranged

My posts lately are just music videos because despite being able to type around 90 WPM, I have a lot going on both in school and with work. I won’t lie; my psyche is suffering even though work seems to be headed in an amazing direction. I still feel torn- the more success that comes to me, the more I question whether it is REALLY what I want. I am fully aware that my pursuits are most likely rooted in something deep, psychological, and clinically unhealthy. I don’t need the love of one person to “fix” me. I need the love and approval of the entire world to validate and heal something so empty and painful inside. It is an obsessive feeling I have never been able to control, but it leads to this power inside of me, a drive so intense that I know I will become extremely successful or die trying. There is no Plan B, only Plan Bianca.

I have always made it clear that my mental health is consistently teetering and I am often dying to push that self-destruct button. I’ve been sent to the ER more times that I want to admit because of my mental health, but I always fight (sometimes literally) getting put into an institution for full-analysis. I tell myself it is because it is too expensive, I don’t have time, I’ve gone through worse times and made it out alive- but maybe I am afraid that they will tell me something I really do not want to hear. Or maybe I am addicted to tension and Henry Murray was on to something.

Offers (scripts, interviews, appearances, modeling, acting gigs) are coming in on a daily basis; it’s getting confusing and difficult to juggle work and school… and to have any semblance of a stable social life. Most of it is cerebral and left to empty text messages or emails. Strange to know that all the flesh and blood that I once I had contact with and the vibrations that I once had in my ears are now relegated to empty binary code. Who is who? Why so brief? Why so serious?

In fact, my life is being ripped further and further from those I love and I worry that filming will conflict with seeing my family this year for Christmas. It leaves me feeling *cue dramatic music*… Estranged.

Watch Albino Farm Tonight (early Saturday morning)

Tune in to The Movie Channel Xtra tonight (Saturday morning) at 4:30 am ET/PT for some Pig Bitch with your morning coffee and eggs, or rather vodka and Taco Hell. You know you’ll be hungover anyway, so just go with it. She’s a great lay and she won’t call you the next day… just rip out your tongue with a hook.

http://www.sho.com/site/schedules/channel.do?feed=East&channel=TM2

You know Axl Rose is an anagram for…

The first time I ever saw Welcome to the Jungle, I was laying on the couch watching MTV. My mom walked down the stairs, paused dramatically, and said in disgust, “Who IS that, he is SOOO sleazy.” I was totally head over heels for him and swear to god, had my first, um, sexual desire, even though I didn’t know what that was. On that note, AXL haters, FUCK off, I still think he’s really sexy. Maybe that’s why I married a guy that looks (and at times acts) like him? I’ve seen G’n'F’n'R live a ton of times, so I will probably go again when they, meaning AXL, comes back ’round these parts.

That Indiana mother fucker is sexy fresh of the bus.

la fille qui monte des chèvres

Because everything is automatically more artistic when color is drained and language becomes babble, I am going to start a line of t-shirts called boucherie de langue which is total hipster kitsch and all the models will be jolie-laide or deformed. Oh, it is too ironic and deep for you to understand. You know, like being a vegan wearing a tight Big Mac t-shirt or wearing dark sunglasses at night.

The first slogan is- Je veux sucer le dick de démon.
Followed by- Oh là là, fous le camps et morte.

Eventually, boucherie de langue will branch out into active wear and be marketed to laser spooging aerobics instructors who specialize in training psychedelic glampires, allegedly homoerotic corpse painters, and satanic cult grinders in simulating sex. This is exactly what doing cocaine is like. See example: